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Friday, December 27, 2013

The Worst Gift

Pretty much, my husband is the worst person for whom to buy presents.  He tends to get himself what he wants during the year (nothing crazy, DVDs, cell phone case, etc.), and all the other electronic things he likes are way out of budget--and honestly, I know nothing of speakers or receivers or whatnot. So I am left with boring "Dad" presents, like socks and boxers. He doesn't even need ties because he just wears scrubs. He likes WWII, but I really feel like I have exhausted that topic in the random books I've picked up for him over the years.  In fact, I once got him the same book two years in a row (seen one battle, seen 'em all).  As he jokingly informs me, I have had 12 (maybe 13?) years of buying him Christmas presents and they have pretty much all been fails--or at the best, have gone over like a deflated balloon.

So this year, I made a little vow to be awesome and think outside the box! I would surprise him with a gift that he didn't even know he needed, and he would be impressed with my gift-giving skills.  While browsing the new TJ Maxx with a friend, I spotted it!! It was a darling, battery operated, hand-held...wait for it.....MEGAPHONE!! I thought, "How perfect for soccer coaching!"  Really, I thought that.  After all, he DOES take coaching very seriously (he can be rather scary). To go along with that theme, I picked up an armband in which to store his iPhone while he coaches.  I was all set, like that Super Gifter lady in the ads on TV (which I think was actually advertising TJ Maxx and HomeGoods or something).

 Anyway, pride goeth before a fall.  I was doomed to fail yet again. I knew it wasn't going to go well when he unwrapped it and said instantly, "This is a gag gift, right?" Uh-oh.

Apparently, it would be "embarrassing" to coach using a megaphone.  What had seemed cool in my mind was clearly a fantasy that in reality is extremely UN cool.  He showed me this movie clip to demonstrate that fact (scroll to the 50 second mark if possible. Otherwise, feel free to skip, you might miss those 3 minutes of your life spent watching this lame trailer):

Brian even made up a little jingle about my gift (to be sung to the tune of "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas"):

I want a bright orange megaphone for Christmas,
Only a bright orange megaphone will do.
Unlike the other boys,
I don't want something cool,
I want a megaphone to make me look a giant fool!

I can see me now on the soccer field,
Shouting at the kids.
What fear and what surprise,
Will come into their eyes,
When they hear my voice much louder now!

So that was my Christmas present fail! Before anyone thinks bad things about my husband, please note that no feelings were hurt during the making of this blog post.  Be assured, I have become quite capable at laughing at myself over the last 36 years (if not, I would be crouching somewhere in the fetal position with zero self esteem).  I have gotten rather good at this particular fail, and I'm sure the tradition will be continued.

At least he gives me good presents! Yay! I got fleecy pajamas and slippers and Amazon gift cards ("so you can shop online and not leave me here with the baby"). He so funny.

And my kids loved all the presents that I picked out for them, so my failure is limited in scope.

Rule #2489: If at first you don't succeed...make 'em laugh and call it a "tradition."


  1. John here! So, the orange megaphone post made me roll over with laughter; I had no idea this had transpired within my own family until just now. I played soccer my whole life, and of course baseball, and if anyone had ever shouted at us through a megaphone (especially a day-glow orange one) I probably would have A.) said something like "dude, I am right here, standing 17 feet away from you. This isn't the NFL combine, and now my ears hurt", or B.) I would have been so scared I would have trained harder than I ever had in my life, much akin to a child at a Russian Olympic training camp, thus validating your purchase.

    TRULY next-level hilarious stuff here, though. I can honestly say I have never had a coach with a megaphone, though. It's soooooo sweet that you got if for him, though; your intent is adorably misguided. Keep up the great work on the blogposts- I love them!