Decoding the Lingo

Jules here-

I have read some very interesting articles recently on parenting and child development lately-- many of them discuss the fact that parents are now "scared" to discipline their children.  Parents are allowing kids free-reign, and the world is seeing the results.  My kids are normal kids- I often have to yell at them, put them in time out, or even swat their tushies on occasion.  However, my kids do know how to mind, listen, and obey me- especially when we are in a public setting. They know that punishment will await them if they are belligerent, wild, or out-of-control.

When James finds my phone...

To me- that's normal parenting. Normal "training my kids" to behave.  But I must be in the minority now because I constantly have people complimenting me on my kids behavior- which I deem as perfectly normal. My kids act exactly as I acted as a child. They get into trouble, but they know how to behave.

The children jumping on the couch- I allow a bit of wildness in the winter time just to get out extra energy!

I have spoken about behavior in countless posts- and as a parent I know we constantly have to adjust, grow, and learn with each child.  I am always looking for more loving, efficient, and effective parenting strategies. I have friends who have challenging children who constantly strive to learn and figure out better ways to train their child. Some children need continual training and discipline due to their more resistant personalities.

A time out chair.... serious stuff.

In this post I am NOT talking about the following:

•  Children with a disability who truly have difficulty with following social constraints.
•  We've all had the times at the grocery store with the screaming kid amidst many eye rolls and rude comments. I am not talking about those rare, embarrassing moments when people drop a few snide remarks. 
• Children under the age of 2- sometimes they are QUITE unpredictable. However, one should keep them at arms-length consistently. 
• I am not talking about the apologetic parents who understand the burden of an unruly child, who sheepishly herd their children out of public areas. 

 On the contrary, I hear some acquaintances talk about discipline, but their children's behavior does NOT seem to reflect their supposed efforts.  Yet, many of the parents seem oblivious that their child is even a problem!   I am talking about when people consistently use the same terminology (friends, doctors, teachers, strangers, neighbors, grandparents, etc.) when addressing your child.  Since it is now faux pas to have other people discipline your children (unlike back in the good ol' days), one has to read between the lines when people address your children.

Good 'Ol Days- Children working in factories....

"Well, isn't he (or she) a little bundle of energy!"  Translation: Your child needs to be a little less-wild in this setting. Your child is being distracting to other people in the area with the rambunctiousness. **Note: At a park, hiking a mountain, playground, etc. this could be a compliment! In the correct setting,

"He (or she) certainly has a mind of his own!" Translation: Your child isn't respecting you. Your child should be more obedient to your instructions.

"He's certainly a stubborn one!" Translation: Your child REALLY needs to be taught to respect you more. Your discipline is probably not working.

"Maybe your child needs a break." Translation: We all need a break. I heard a librarian say this to a mom of a wild 4 year old during a story time and the mom said, "No, he's fine thanks!". Take a hint, your kid is being WAY too disruptive for everyone else.

"Do you think he/she needs some help?" Translation: Your child is doing something he/she shouldn't be doing. Don't let him/her climb on the shelf or take out all the toys, etc.... some mothers are more worry-warts than I am and will use this phrase at a playground when they think my child is in danger- personally, I like my kids to learn "the hard" way sometimes... BUT, if I hear this in an indoor, public setting, usually an adult is trying to kindly tell me to get my kid.

I have mentioned before that many people don't recognize the influence of peers and media on their children's behavior.  They only feed their children organic food, use non-toxic cleaners, but then allow them to watch PG-13 movies and teenage-television when they are under 7 years old... Protect their minds as much as their bodies!!

Final thoughts- it does take a village to raise a child.  Family, friends and teachers can offer great insight into discipline- don't be too prideful. Accept advice, suggestions, and help as needed- you might be surprised how much easier your life will become.  Here's a quote from one of my favorite child psychologists, Dr. Ray Guarendi, "Discipline without love is harsh. But love without discipline, that's child abuse."  Try to balance both!

Easy Rule #343234- Even if you aren't a perfect parent, nowadays your kids can look like rock stars compared to the parents who don't ever say no to their children....

Easy Rule #53234- Set the expectations high for your children. Demand respect. Life will only get easier and more fun for all of you!

Teaching Respect

Jules here-

While at Marshalls the other day, I overheard (well, the WHOLE STORE overheard) a little girl (maybe 4 years old) throw an epic tantrum about wanting this Hello Kitty purse.  Apparently, the price was a bit too steep for the parents and they were trying to reason with the child.  Of course, the little girl wanted this purse and she did NOT want to wait until they went to Wal-Mart to see if it was cheaper...etc.... etc... etc...  The parents continued to promise this child the purse no matter what- and they were frantically searching on their smartphone to see if the "same exact purse" was available cheaper.

Now, I have had children throw fits in stores before; I have been blushing from my hairline to my toes as I sling a child over my shoulder and storm out of the store.  But, I would never ever acquiesce to a demanding, selfish, and unreasonable kiddo in a store.  Am I perfect about always disciplining? No- I will bribe a kid with chocolate bars to smile during a family reunion shot or continually let them eat lollipops at the doctor's office even when they are not behaving as expected.

Note the freaking out James. Even candy-bribe didn't work 

So after my viewing of the tantrum, I witnessed another family:  two teenage children at dinner with their parents.  It was a family-style restaurant: casual dining, noisy kids, cheap food- my kind of place.  The teens were glued to their phones the ENTIRE meal.  At one point, the mom sheepishly asked them to put away their phones- not only did they NOT acquiesce they smirked at her.  The father did nothing expect shrug.  Respect has left that family....

What has happened with families that the parents have lost complete control over their children? I think it's a few things combined in our culture:

• Parents have been taught to "not trust" their instincts.  Online you can find ten different ways to handle every situation: from bottle feeding to spanking- parents can feel guilty about anything.  It used to be if your child acted up- you dealt with it. You didn't look online for "strategies" you just did it. Now, I am not saying that you shouldn't look for support or advice- however, make sure you aren't just looking online to find excuses. It's really easy to laugh when someone says, "Oh you let your kids watch 4 hours of TV a day? So do I! Then that's normal!!"  Make sure you are challenging yourself to parent wiser not just look for people who support your not-so-great decisions.
  

  

  You better read all these so you can raise your kids.

• The undermining of the family through "family" programming.  When we watch Leave it to Beaver now, we scoff at the portrayal of the family life: perfect wife & mother with a hardworking, knowledgeable father and respectful children.   Starting in the 1980s, the father became the buffoon.  Even family-friendly shows like Home Improvement or Everybody Loves Raymond- the mother's became the sole source of knowledge and family-management.  Once in awhile the father would have an insight, but usually the mother was the hero of the story. 
  

  

  This is hilarious though :)

• Children's books, shows, and movies.  After all the wonderful picture books I have read my children, I looked forward to great "first" chapter books for Grace.  Though we love the Magic Tree House Series and a few others,....so many of the books have snarky lead characters. I really don't like the Just Grace or Judy Moody series because the stars are rude, disrespectful, and flippant with their parents. These books are geared for 5-8 year olds-- we are teaching children to talk back, make snide comments, and not listen to us!!  Have you tuned into the Disney Channel (not Disney Junior)? Parents are portrayed as idiots and the kids are constantly talking their way out trouble.
  

  

  Good fun reads! Great as an audiobook too.

• Laziness. We have become the quick-fix society. I get impatient waiting for the microwave or my computer to load up. In our instantaneous society we expect our children to behave after 1-2 attempts at discipline.  It takes THOUSANDS of reminders to have your child to remember to say "Please" or "Thank You"-- imagine how long it takes to build a child's character? Umm.... literally forever. My mom is still working on me :)  I know that many times I don't feel like "dealing" with a kid, but I know that in the long-run, getting off the couch might save me tantrums later. 

  

  This happens to me too often....

•  Culture of snippiness.  Stemming back to the "family programming," I often hear husbands and wives sniping at each other in front of the children.  It's fine to disagree in front of the kids- it's not o.k. to constantly disrespect your spouse in front of them.  Teaching your children to resolve conflicts in a respectful way is a wonderful skill to give them.  If you are constantly degrading each other, the children will learn that too.  As the children get older, they will mimic that same lack of respect in their tone and obedience. 

  

  Especially true with parents.

Create a culture of respect in your home- from being polite to each other to surrounding your kids with positive role models in books, movies and TV.   Be very aware of how this culture will later shape how your children will respond to you in their more "tricky" teenage years.  Learn to handle their outbursts, talking back, and frustrations- you are bigger than they are now.... use that advantage!

And you know you may have over-used a parenting strategy when this conversation was overheard in the shower:

"Don't complain about the water!" Said Lissie
"Why?" Grace said.
"Mommy will come in here and tell us about the children in Africa who have to bathe in mud puddles!"


Easy Rule #45445- Let your kids tantrum in public. Most people will smile knowingly that you are willing to "stick to your guns."  And who cares about the other people who are judging you.

Easy Rule #34234- No parents are perfect, but stay strong- every effort is worth it!

Bonus---

Here's a little Frozen bonus that Grace is INSISTING that I put on the blog... only for those of you who actually read the blog posts to the end shall enjoy....

What's Working, What's Not

Jules here-

Time for a little self-evaluation to see what things are working in my daily life- and what things aren't....  We have lived in our home for five months now; we have developed daily routines that will soon be changing as school approaches.  I plan on tweaking our routine to help me with the crazy school and work transitions.

My Little Middle is heading to Kindergarten next week!! AAH!

Daily Chores- Working!!
The kids have been doing really well with making their beds, straightening their room, clearing their plates, brushing their teeth, etc.  Even garbage day is going better as they are responsible for emptying the small cans and re-lining them afterwards!  No snacks, desserts, or screen time is given unless chores are done.

Sorry this is so blurry....James is so efficient with chores, that he decided to do them the night before. Of course, once you are dressed and your bed is made, the only thing to do is sleep on the floor.  I'm a slave driver.

  Bonus Chores-Working!
Grace, in particular, is saving to buy a goat for a child in Africa. We read a touching tale called Beatrice's Goat, and the children have saved $34.56 towards the $150 cost of a goat. Through selling homemade potholders, lemonade, and now doing "extra" chores they have earned quite a bit. Grace has reached the age where she likes to earn things and feel independent.  Lucky for us (ha ha) we have a WALNUT tree in our yard... and for those of you who don't know... this is what James looks like on walnuts:

 
So, I am paying Grace 5 cents a walnut to gather them up. Now, James won't touch them or ingest them outside, but I also don't want to lawnmower-blast them into the air either...

Daily Chore Whining- NOT Working!! But starting too....
Consistency is paying off and the dramatics, whining, and the "hard-knock life" songs are dwindling; however, I still have to deal with my middle one's dedication to avoidance of work. I have found a recent solution that I have implemented:  The Cinderella Project.  When my children begin to complain, whine, or shirk their work, I simply refer to them as: Drusilla, the wicked stepsister.  I say phrases such as, "Oh, you want your Mommy Cinderella to clear your plates, make your bed, and clean your toys? O.k. Drusilla," or, "You didn't get the plate color that you wanted? Are you going to drop it on the floor and refuse to eat your food, Drusilla?"  They are starting to understand how their whining is really making them into Ugly Step-siblings... let's hope the empathy training is working...

+

Budgeting-Working!
Living frugally is my lifestyle, and though I have had to repair my dryer, get new brakes on the van, and buy an exorbitant amount of school supplies... I have budgeted well!  Every week I review my spending and I have a very rigid limit, but I put a "buffer" zone that is really helping. I budgeted over on almost every item to help me pay for the many incidentals of life...

I wish....

Saving Receipts: NOT Working!
Honestly, I saved receipts for about 3 days until they were littering my already paper-strewn car... I couldn't handle it.  I am just no good at keeping track of all the receipts (or even looking at them again).  Plus, looking at receipts didn't remind me not to spend either...

More the Merrier with Kids: Working!
 This month, I have been blessed to babysit friends and family-- and I had a little taste of what Em's daily life must be like... I had 8 children under 8 years of age for 3+ hours.... LOTS of fun!!  Though, I must admit, I would want a bottle for the littlest one next time... I felt really bad that her mommy was dentist-delayed and I just had to hold her without feeding her!!  We also had a water fight that escalated....really escalated....

Nicely reading stories

Um.... filling a bucket with the water dispenser...

Trying to call Mom to get her away from this crazy place.

After water fight, craft time with new clothes....

 I also got to babysit my darling nephew, Charlie, so his Mommy & Daddy could enjoy one last night out before little Sam arrived this week!! Yes, I am an Aunt again!!!  Congrats Aunt Betsy!!!

 And finally... my favorite....

Hand-me-downs: Working!!
Our biggest fan, Chrissy, has her hands full with a precious newborn, but she still managed to package me up beautiful dresses for the girls!! We LOVE Sophie hand-me-downs and they have sustained us for years (see, budgeting is easier when you don't have to buy clothing!!).  So before you pack up clothing or ship them to goodwill...see if any friends could benefit! You'd be surprise how much use I get out of clothing!!

THANK YOU!!!

 Make sure you take the time to evaluate what's "working" and "not working" in your daily life. Don't throw out your whole plan (budget, exercise, chores, etc.) if one stage isn't working. Re-think, re-organize and try again!!

Easy Rule #434- It's never too late to start a new regime in your home.

Easy Rule #43242- If regular discipline doesn't work, use fairy tales to terrify or mock your children. It can really work.

Encouraging Your Child to Dream- And Helping them Fail a Bit too...

Jules here-

My three dreamers

I love when my kids are happy, confident, and secure in tasks that they endeavor to do- from coloring to sports I love when my kid are proud of their efforts. However, after a certain age, I do believe there should be some realism instilled within their self-esteem. After watching American Idol a few years ago, I vowed never to instill false-confidence in my children so they wouldn't end up singing like this...

 

As Grace is getting older, my expectations of her talents have elevated too- Do I champion ever coloring picture or drawing she shows me? No, no I don't. I am straightforward and honest with her with responses such as, "Well, I like the colors you chose, but it looks like you weren't as careful staying within the lines that time." OR, "I've seen you draw butterflies better on your other pictures, but I do enjoy that one rose in particular." I believe that this technique offers three things: 

1. It lets her know that I know her abilities and talents-as well as her limitations.  I know when she puts her true effort in. 

2. When I do compliment a truly "good" work-she knows it is well-deserved, not a simple placation. She learns to trust me and my opinion. 

3. She learns that she isn't perfect. She learns that she's not the best at everything- but she also learns in a safe, home environment.  Hopefully this gives her the confidence to face disappointment and failure in the "real world" too.

Back when I had lower standards for her :)

With Felicity, I am just starting this more honest approach- she needed a boost of confidence being the middle child under the shadow of a crafty older sister.  She is a child who is hesitant to attempt something unless she knows she will be successful, and yet she usually surpasses Grace with gross motor challenges.  From swinging to monkey bars, she often accomplishes milestones before her older sister- yet she seems to need more encouragement.  I try to not completely discourage them with my honesty, but I want them to know they cannot succeed at everything or be the best at everything.

I vote for professional cartoon for her future career.

Parents walk the tightrope between having your child be a secure, confident kid versus an arrogant, self-absorbed jerk that so often decorates my Facebook news feed. The parents of the 1990s kids were so worried about bruising an ego, having a child feel inferior, or ever discouraging a "dream" that I believe that birthed the "selfie" generation....  I cringe when I see a person post pictures of themselves flexing, modeling, and posing in front of a mirror with a transparent self-deprecating message beneath-- obviously fishing for compliments.

 

 I want my children to live in a "real world"- I want to encourage them to follow their dreams- BUT, if James is 18 years old and wants to pursue his golfing career before going to college, um... no.  Will I get James town golf lessons next year? Yes! Will I put aside some money for the occasional mini-golf? Of course! But I also believe in showing your child how rare it is to achieve these fantasy aspirations. Professional sports player, singer, actor, etc.... the chances of success are so minimal in those careers that you truly need a good back up plan.

My little pro

Does your child love professional sports and want to be an NBA player, yet his height will top out at maybe 5'10"?-- Get him into a sports management program or communications degree.  Encourage a baseball "star" to volunteer or work with a minor league baseball team in the summer. Maybe he/she will find a passion with marketing for the team or sports writing. Or maybe sports will just be a hobby.

I've known parents who bend over backwards supporting their children's unrealistic dreams- and then when the child doesn't succeed he/she faces the depressing realization that they have no viable back-up plan.  Plus, every day work pales in comparison to their fantasy lifestyle that they had dreamed of... 

My ballerinas...they are amazing... NOT-- but they're cute :)

So am I mean, heartless, or cruel as a parent to tell my child that her song really wasn't that entertaining and that she stole the tune from "Pop goes the Weasel?"  Maybe. But I would rather have my child realize her limitations and strive to improve upon herself rather than the world to teach her that lesson later.

Easy Rule #3478- Keep balancing between encouraging your child to dream and allowing them to face reality, they'll thank you later. Or they'll go to therapy. One or the other.

Ha! So true.

Top Ten Lessons this week

Jules here-

I would like to pass on some moments of wisdom I have gleaned this week in my Top Ten lessons I have learned this week:

10- Don't empty the lint trap with damp hands.  When you are quickly cycling the laundry and your rinse of your hand under the water, don't then touch the lint-- it immediately becomes a fuzzy disaster.  Trust me. 

9- When a three year old tells you he already went to the bathroom, don't trust him.  Even if he insists that he doesn't have to go, or that he already went before the long car ride. Physically place him on the potty and wait...

Potty time.

8- When a three year old says he's got to go "potty really really badly" trust him.  Conversely, if you are driving along and your three year old starts wailing about how he needs to go "really badly".... stop the car. Make him tinkle on the side of the road, or you will have to clean the car seat...

No bathrooms in traffic....

7- Having three kids really does slow you down. Literally.  The Nike App is great! Especially if you want to see how slow you are now.  I was a runner in high school and beyond, and I completed distant events. Occasionally I have run at a conversational pace with my ex-neighbor still awesome friend, Lisa, however, we never timed ourselves. I recently downloaded the free app and went for a run-- I am literally 100% slower than high school for the mile time. 

My favorite "running" buddy... I use the term "running" loosely... We are much better friends than runners...

6- Moms might get scurvy.  I love when my kids eat fresh fruits and vegetables- and honestly my kids love most of them!  With the expense of fresh produce, I usually only buy the on sale items.  I always dream of winning the lottery and having fresh raspberries and blueberries every morning. Until then, I often go without.  I allow the kids to devour the vitamin rich food- and I barely get a serving a week. I indulged in strawberries and cheerios tonight-- I forgot how delicious that combination is!! 

5- Kids need very little for fun.  Since the move, we have not had a "break". We've painted, repaired, unpacked and hosted a housewarming--- so the last Monday I threw a "silly day" just to relax with the kids and NOT do housework.  Just a little face-paint and some blueberry pancakes on a rainy day.  They were thrilled :)

4- Trust other parents. On a whim, we decided to hike the local mountain- Mt. Major.  A family was about to start a hike at the same time, and they recommended the yellow trail as the easiest.  We followed the more gradual route up to the top without incident.  At the top, some NON-parents recommended the orange trail on the way down as it was technically shorter...  About a 1/4 of the way down, I encountered a veritable cliff... I had to lower James down each giant boulder and block the super steep drop-offs from the girls... it took quite a bit of time... Next time, I'll listen to the parents.

You cannot believe how steep that is from this angle. But that is the trail.

Beautiful views- worth the hike!

 3- Kids art can be real art.  I have a lot of wall space without much art- so I decided to use a Pinterest idea and create an art wall for kids.  The kids feel like real artists and beam with pride as their pictures are chosen each week.  And you can rotate/recycle easier!

2- A night out doesn't have to break the bank.  We walked to our local restaurant for an appetizer on its new deck! We enjoyed sunshine, conversation, views, and only spent $14 including tip :) 

1-  "With children, the days are long, but the years are short" a patient once quoted me-- how true!! Some days I am counting the minutes until bed time, but then I look at James- THREE YEARS OLD already!  I had my first child SEVEN years ago-- time has flown!  I've already lived in my new house for three months, and yet it seems even longer...  I'm trying to take the time to appreciate the moments every day instead of wishing the time to move faster. 

Visiting Cousin Charlie!

Easy Rule #254354- Take a moment to see how much you learned- just this week!

Mini-Rant #4

Jules here-

I am enjoying my paint-free days and spring weather- O.k.so I am painting a little. My parents blessed me with an awesome housewarming gift of a corner cupboard from a consignment shop:

Cupboard Before

Cupboard After

And I must admit- I think I like painting walls, better than painting furniture.  I probably should have spent more time taking of the doors and sanding- but from far away- the piece looks great :)  Plus I got to dust off my old tea cup/pot collection that had been in boxes for over 10 years...

As you know, I work with the elderly population in the home care setting and I often see patients who are quite isolated and lonely.  Many of them are eager to share life stories, pictures of grandchildren, and general conversation.  Some of them have very supportive families who provide daily or weekly care for their parents-- but many of them have infrequent contact with their own children.  Tonight, I am going to do a mini-rant on behalf of the elderly population.  I will post what I have heard from an elderly patient, and my thoughts...

Cutie Patootie

•  "Well, my daughter lives 45 minutes a way with her own life. She's so busy with work, and she doesn't have time to help me right now."  If your job keeps you so busy that you can't help your elderly mom get groceries once a week or clean her shower- then you are in the wrong field.  OR if you are working that hard then why aren't you PAYING for someone to come up and help your mother out?  Think about how much you do for your children right now-- your mother and/or father did that for you.  You might be busy with hauling your children to sporting events, juggling home and work- BUT, rearrange your life to support your aging parents.
  
  

  

  Time to take the keys? Or just take the wheels...

•  "My daughter took away my keys, so now I can't go anywhere." Obviously, I support the decision to take away an aging parent's keys if the parent no longer can physically handle driving.  I often recommend license suspension to doctors/family if I believe a patient is incapable of driving. HOWEVER- if you take away a person's freedom to drive- you MUST come up with social activities, support systems, and a link to the outside world.  If your mom used to go out to lunch with friends once a week- try and arrange a carpool for her. Did she get her own groceries? Go to doctor's appointments? Church?  I have had patients who can't get to religious services because their children "no longer believe"... TAKE your elderly parents to church if they want, even if you DON'T believe.

  

  Messy grandkids at grandparents

• "I honestly don't like when my grandchildren come to my house. They are quite loud and they don't listen well!" We don't live in the "children should be seen not heard" era- but your parents/grandparents might have.  Having children constantly interrupt, make messes, and yell can be quite disruptive to an elderly person.  Though you may be relaxed around your parents, try and have your children be on "church" behavior.  Make sure you let them run around at a park or exercise them well prior to going to visit so they are more calm.

  

  The smartphone takeover...

• "When my grandchildren come, they never talk with me as I used to do with my grandparents- they just stay on their phones the whole time!" RUDE RUDE RUDE!  When your children visit someone (no matter the age), phones should be OFF.  If I hear another parent say, "I just can't get my son/daughter to get off his iPhone" I will scream, "YOU ARE THE PARENT!!"  I am guessing your 14 year old isn't footing the bill for a smartphone, and I am guessing you want to be in charge of your teenager-- then do it- seize control and set some rules!  Teach RESPECT!

Easy Rule #8790- The golden rule not only applies to children, but to grownups too. Practice what you preach and teach your children how to care for an aging parent. You'll want them to do the same some day.

Easy Rule #8791- The population is aging, encourage your kids to get a career that's guaranteed to have work :)